Crisis Of Faith

 This post is going off the rails.  I have been struggling this week with a lot of questions regarding who I am, what my purpose is, and other self depredating questions.  This has led me to look deep in myself, and though I don't have the answers yet I feel that putting these thoughts out here might help me organize them in my mind.   Who knows maybe this side journey will help you all find some truths in your own life, at least that is the hope for my own. 

First crisis I have been experiencing is a struggle with value.  My wife and I do not see eye to eye on the value of money.  I don't care for it. It is a tool that helps us survive to me but to her it is a way to prove herself as worthwhile.  Normally we move through this very easily but for some reason I have been looking deep within myself this week after a budgeting disagreement and I feel that I have let her down.  I start so many projects that I never have the legs to finish which causes undue pain, especially when it comes to money and the making of it.  One of the goals of this blog was to try and live a life closer to nature and to find value elsewhere but as I pursue this I feel that I need to find a better paying job, I need to finish my degree, I need to go work for the corporate elites and fight my way to the top. It is hard for me to decide where to put my values.  I know that I value free thought, creativity, and the pursuit of joy over anything money related but for some reason I feel that I have to give myself up in order to live a life better filled.  

My second crisis is one of faith.  I have some family members that have embraced a more natural path towards salvation.  They have been looking at alternative faiths or in some cases developing their own spirituality.  Growing up in the Mormon church I was always taught that there was only one path to the highest degree of heaven.  Once I was in college I found that I did not really feel comfort in the church and stopped going. I still go for my families sake when we get together for the holidays but I really find no peace in the organized religion of Mormonism.  This week I have started to struggle with questions regarding the actual reality of Jesus, heaven, hell, and all that most western faiths are built on.  I began to think of Jesus as a tool of the Roman empire to make their citizens worship one faith in order to conquer and maintain power across the world.  I may be wrong but this crisis of faith has caused some sadness as I start to question whether all that I have been taught is real or not.  As I have looked at the books and research of the more earth based faiths I have found some truth but I do not feel peace in them either.  If anything I am starting to wonder whether religion is real or just a construct to maintain power over a populace. 

The final struggle this week is in my value as a writer.  I have always loved to create.  I would go out of my way to write through any and all problems that came up but I was always too shy to share my musing with the world.  In fact I have started many of these blogs that I had every intention of sharing with the world that I end up not following through because of my own insecurities and the small inner voice that nags at me about how nobody would enjoy that, or you are not worthy of anything good.  It is a hard voice to smack down. I feel drawn to the pull of its constant interference. My hope is that I will not be giving into it this time and that I will be able to push through the uncomfortable feelings of putting myself out there and that I will be able to at least follow this goal of mine.  I fear that I will not be able to keep this up but I promise that I will try as hard as I can to post at least once a week in order to keep the dream alive.  

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.  I know that personal journals are not always the most fun to read but if they give you an insight into your lives, into my life, or in any way help you understand me a bit better then I believe that it is a win.  See you next week as we look at the book "Where the Water Goes" and discuss the conservation of water along the Colorado River.