Finding My Chords

 One thing that I have learned from starting to work on music production is that sometimes the only thing one needs to change the tune from an almost horrible sounding monstrosity to a happy little ear worm is the right chords.  Sometimes one finds these chords through messing around on the computer, on a keyboard, strumming a guitar, or just taking a nap.  

In my personal life I have been dealing with some borderline depression.  This week has been especially bad as I felt a bit like I was on an island and nobody was coming to rescue me, this three hour tour was supposed to be over already by the way....   Let me off this island so I can get back to living.  In regards to life I have been a poorly keyed song.  There is just something off about my chord progression and I am almost unlistenable.  (Sorry there are a lot of references there and I don't even know what I am trying to say anymore.)

Yesterday I was sitting at home, working on some music, when I felt the need to emote.  And not like an emoticon emote but an actual heartfelt need for some sentiment.  I picked up a ukulele that I had bought almost 20 years ago and just started plucking for inspiration.  There was something about the sound of those strings that took me to a different place. I was transported to college where I first heard that sound, I was transported to a remote island and plucking strings under a palm tree in the sand, I was taken away from my shitty existence and placed somewhere else.  It was nice. It made me feel like I was genuinely happy, and that was a nice feeling.  The other good thing about life is that as I was plucking these strings I came up with an idea for a new song which really made me happy, though defeated the point as I was trying to finish my current song.  

My biggest take away from this experience is sometimes we just need to take some time to pluck for inspiration.  We need to sometimes take some time to try new things, try things outside of the box, and find ourselves in the strange.  I am glad that I had this experience because it did help me to learn more about what it takes to find yourself when the world seems the darkest.  

What Is The Worst That Could Happen?

 I have been working through a book that is meant to unleash my creativity.  For the longest time I never pursued my creative side, mostly out of fear of others so I decided to publicly do an exercise called "The Worst."  In this exercise one is to share some of their greatest fears in regard to unleashing your creativity, your weird, your uniqueness upon the world.

My biggest fears:

• Rejection- What if people say I'm not good enough, or tell me that I should spend some time searching for something more logical to do. 
• Hate- I am scared to death of hate.  I always choke up, shorten my stride, lose all forms of self confidence around hate. If I were to be in the public eye and received hate I am not sure how I would respond. 
• That whatever I'm working on is really good.  - I know this one sounds strange because success isn't something to fear, right?  Wrong.  If I were to hit it out of the park and do amazing on an endeavor would I be able to repeat, would people still treat me as me and not as something different (I've always been the strange kid why would I want folks to treat me like that again?)  
• Fake Friends - as someone who has never really had a strong sense of bonding with other than one or two people in my life I don't know how to recognize a friend. 
• Negative Feedback- similar to hate, what if people don't like what I have created? what if they are bold enough to tell me to my face? 
• That not only strangers but actual friends and family don't like what I have created.  How embarrassing would it be if your mother told you not to quit your day job.  I think I would die inside.  Or even worse,  what if my wife told me that it was the crappiest thing that she has ever read/heard/listened to.  Oh the humanity!!!!!!!

Looking at this list I think that I feel a little better. After all creativity, though something to be shared, is more for the benefit of the creator.  If you all are ever unsure of yourself perhaps an exercise like this can help you out as well.  

We are Making Music Now

 One of the things that always scared me when I was a kid was to play music.  I was always jealous of my older siblings who had the chance to take piano lessons especially later in life but I know why my mother never let me.  (She was very nervous that I would give up on it, I did have a very long track record for giving up on different activities.)  I tried to teach myself piano later in life but it didn't stick.  This didn't stick for two reasons: 1. I didn't have the drive to really deep dive into the craft and so I didn't spend a lot of time practicing, and 2. I didn't have any idea what I was doing and didn't have a mentor to help me learn how to play.  

My uncle is an amazing musician who has honed his craft and if given the chance would probably go play in one of those majestic concert halls in NYC.  Most of my cousins have some amazing musical skills and I feel a little left out when it comes to playing music.  I have always considered myself creative.  I love to be creative, and the way that I create is unique to me (thanks Felicia Day for helping me find this fact out with an exercise about a cat in your latest book).  Over the last two months or so I have been dealing with an injury that has kept me off the hiking trails and out of the gym.  The world seems to be falling apart and I feel that I can't make any sense out of it, let alone try to make a difference in it.  All of these things keep adding up and I find that I am more and more retreating into a place of internal turmoil that I am unable to share with anyone.  

Stepping back I found that I had a bit of a talent for, or at least the ability to, make easy chord progressions and rhythmic beats.  I threw myself whenever I felt loss, out of control, or in need of someone to listen to me into the world of music production.  In a strange way I feel that my lack of musical training may have helped me not get stuck into a loop of control but has given me the ability to really express myself and all of the frustrations that I have been feeling into a form of music.  On my YouTube I have published a single song that was kind of horrible but it felt like I could share a bit of my soul with the world.  Maybe I'll be able to share more in the future that won't sound as poorly constructed.  

So I guess this long post is more about me learning to accept my own strangeness and share myself with the world.  We are definitely making music now and it feels so amazing.